Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
the icebreaker
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Fight
The happy life.. 😊
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.