The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now