I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.