The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.