Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.