Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Owl Sanctuary
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”