ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?