Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
😂😂😂
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.