[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.