i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host