The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
12. I think about this all the damn time
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,