[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month