I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You鈥檙e not gonna believe this.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
(Musicians.)
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I鈥檒l be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Him: He鈥檚 just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He鈥檚 more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn鈥檛 try at all, did he?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Protip: When an office says it鈥檚 paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws