I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.