*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
This week’s mood.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*