*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.