[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir