hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.