My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I feel attacked.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Check your privilege
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’M CRYINGGG
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you