Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Facebook memories be like
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
That was easy.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: