Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE