*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
They did not miss in the small print
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.