*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread