Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You Might Also Like
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Interior design 👌
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.