I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.