If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
the dark web is just a goth google.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.