The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
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The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Ferrari squats
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.