I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.