this is the news I live for
You Might Also Like
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.