What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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