kitchen magnet
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My last name is Zilla.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Seas the day!!!!
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.