If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting