Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
At least try to make it slightly believable
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..