[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
You Might Also Like
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Hello Twits.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
normalize having existential bread