Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.