My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.