[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
You Might Also Like
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
⛄️
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
my mom making me talk to relatives
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.