My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
pictures of spider-man
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*