“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
ouch
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking