[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?