“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
You Might Also Like
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.