I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Proctology is located in A55
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”