Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!