kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Merry Christmas
Expect the unexporcupine.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Spam popsicles.
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