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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
A French press is when you hug naked
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.