Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
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Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.