my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute