Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
When you kidnap a writer.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.