No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.