Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
You Might Also Like
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
This meeting could have been a cake
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me irl
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?